Serendipitous Epiphenomena

Shower dilemma

2006-07-13T21:28:00.000+01:00

After building up a sweat pulling vines out of trees the other night, I took a quick shower. I was in a bit of a hurry, as Lost was about to start, and I wanted to give it a second chance, after watching one episode earlier (spoiler alert: I've now concluded it's boring, so I won't bother again). I switched off the water, and then it occurred to me: what is the optimal time to let the water just drip off you before you start towelling yourself dry? I realize there are all sorts of additional factors to take into consideration, but I am of fairly average build and my towels are of average absorption. We can assume room temperature and normal humidity for a bathroom.
This could save days or even weeks over the course of a lifetime...

Conversations with a colleague - part 2

2006-06-12T22:22:00.000+01:00

HER: My boyfriend used to run for Northern Ireland...
ME: What did he run? Drugs? Guns?

Argentina are the new Virtual World Champions

2006-06-11T08:46:00.000+01:00

By beating the previous holders, the Ivory Coast (and what do you call someone from the Ivory Coast? an Ivory Coaster? and how about Trinidad? a Trinidaddy? Tobago? Tabogan? Potato Potato?), Argentina have become the new holders of the Virtual World Championship.

They will have to defend their title against Serbia and Montenegro on Friday 16 June at 14:00 BST. My money is on Argentina holding onto it, then losing it to Holland a few days later, where it will remain in perpetuity.

Conversations with my girlfriend - part 2

2006-06-10T09:11:00.000+01:00

HER: They're expecting trouble at the Germany - Poland match. Are you aware of any history between them?
ME: Yes, I've heard something about a war...

Conversations with a colleague

2006-06-10T09:10:00.000+01:00

ME: Have you seen our boss's USB Fan?
HER: What, you just stick it in your computer and it blows you?

Conversation with my girlfriend...

2006-06-07T00:31:00.000+01:00

ME: I'm thinking of becoming a raw fooder.
HER: I won't be cooking for you.

Serendipitous Aphorism - XIV

2006-05-29T23:10:00.000+01:00

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety

Benjamin Franklin

Conversation with my son

2006-05-21T21:13:00.000+01:00

HIM: What are you watching?
ME: tv...
HIM: What's that?
ME: A square box that beams pictures from somewhere else.

Sex nudity anal nakedness felatio nakidity

2006-05-17T22:30:00.000+01:00

Haha! Someone did a blogsearch for nudity and ended up at the post below. I'd've loved to've seen the look on his (I presume) face when presented with Bill's big drooping member.

Full frontal nudity

2006-05-17T00:35:00.000+01:00

Strawberry Fair

2006-05-14T21:11:00.000+01:00

Strawberry Fair: Midsummer Commons, Cambridge, Saturday 3 June 2006

Shocking statement at White House press briefing

2006-05-10T23:55:00.000+01:00

I'm so green I cycle

2006-05-08T11:31:00.000+01:00

I forgot to mention, when David Jenkins, my local LibDem county councillor turned up to subject me to a loyalty test, he asked if I had attended the vote count at the county offices. I said I had thought of cycling over, but since there is actually no way to get to the new town of Cambourne on a bike (alive), I hadn't.
He looked at me oddly: 'You're that green, hey?'
Yes, councillor, I'm that green that even though I have a car, I don't make unnecessary car journeys, especially when it's a gorgeous day, preferring to ride my bike instead.

I'm a Liberal Democrat now...

2006-05-05T19:12:00.000+01:00

See what power does to you? Even the remote prospect of power. As the district council result came in, I was glad, if not in the least surprised, that I had come last. But here's the rub: I was disappointed with the number of votes I received. Me, who doesn't believe in voting!
Anyway, the best part is yet to come. As I was cooking dinner, there was a knock on the door. It was my local LibDem county councillor, asking me if I would like to stand for them next time. To my eternal whatchamacallit I didn't laugh in his face. I told him there was about as much chance of that as there had been of me winning this election.
And anyway, I am expecting a call from Tony. i hear the environment post is still available...

And now the anxious wait starts...

2006-05-04T21:58:00.000+01:00

After much froing and toing, I finally went and voted for myself today. Why not? you ask. Well, I've been getting increasingly worried as election day drew closer (I know that's not good grammar but fuck it). See, I think I have an outside chance, up from no chance in hell. The tory vote is split, since one of them is standing as an independent, and the libdems are standing this snotty-nosed kids whose main talent seems to be to have his picture taken with sundry and all (the one who claimed that I had taken 1000 votes from them last time - typical libdem arrogance. as if I held them at gunpoint, gimme the votes orelse...) Labour isn't even standing. So you see, it might be close. I might not be last. I might even win. Aaaaah!
Honestly though, this morning I completely forgot it was election day. I walked past the polling station and wondered what all those people (well, a few anyway) were doing there, and then it hit me.
I might cycle up to Cambourne (if you can even get there on a bike) to see the vote count tomorrow. Else I'll have to worry until they put it on the web. I'm sure I'm fretting over nothing. Surely I can't win. Can I?

Serendipitous Aphorism - XIII

2006-04-20T23:07:00.000+01:00

You cannot be biased if you speak the truth...

Serendipitous Aphorism - XI & XII

2006-04-20T22:58:00.000+01:00

The only way of stumbling upon novel truths is by being flippant.

You can't pluck the apples before the tree is blossoming.

I'm so fucking uninspired...

2006-04-20T22:33:00.000+01:00

... that I feel like it/s time for a good rant. I went to my first, and I swear to high fucking heaven also my last Cambridge City Council meeting. It's so un-fucking-be-fucking-lievable quaint (y/all have to excuse me I/ve been listening to Bilbo Hicks right now). The mayor walks in carrying this big golden stick, like some fucking bishop, and all these medallions round his neck. All rise for the honourable mayor, or whatever. meeeh, all these councillors and onlookers rise like a flock of sheep, and I/m sitting there, what the fuck/s going on?
I finally decide to stand up, because I feel like I/m missing out on the action here, when the notary, or whatever, says, let/s say a prayer. Fuck that, I/m down on my seat again. I swear he's got this book, something like, vaguely non-denominational prayers to start council meetings, and starts reading.
What follows is utter tedium. The LibDems hold sway in the council with something like a two-thirds majority, and boy these arrogant bastards have got a swagger to their step, like they are masters of the universe. And, sorry you won't know who I/m talking about, I will have to get this off my chest, Colin Rosenstiel, a guy I used to work with and who got fired for being grossly incompetent, and this from a company that never sold anything, is the rudest, most arrogant, either disingenuous or stupid or quite possibly both, I was gonna say human being, but I don't wanna insult y/all by even putting you in the same bracket.
Some members of the public were allowed to ask some question, and this fat LibDem arrogant prick turns around in the middle of the question and starts chatting to they councillor behind him. 'Excuse, me, could you please listen when I/m talking to you!' Haha, the guy was embarrassed, and rightfully so. Didn't take him long to regain his pompous composure though.
So after about two hours all that had happened was that a bunch of old people who had been promised that their council housing would be safe had been screwed out of their homes.
I don't know where I/m going with this, but I just had to get it off my chest, where it was sitting like a lead anvil. There, that's better, I can breathe again now.
And to think I am standing for the district council. My biggest fear is that only three people turn up and two of them will vote for me. I had already decided to cast a blank vote myself.

Serendipitous Aphorism - X

2006-04-19T23:40:00.000+01:00

It is the function of the experts, and the mainstream media, to normalise the unthinkable for the general public.
- Edward Herman

So long and thanks for all the vegan snacks...

2006-04-14T21:19:00.000+01:00

Is this the coolest widget or what? Reminds me of the Death cigarettes a friend of mine used to smoke. They had whiskey, too.

I guess it's pretty pointless making any plans for 2050.

Just noticed how both the day and the year add up to 6. Plus I've been haunted by the number 49 all my life, so it all figures.

Scientology got me maybe not so sussed...

2006-04-14T16:30:00.000+01:00

Dear Bill,

How are you doing in the understanding of your different personality traits
on the personality test you took?

Regards,

Janne Bjork

Uh, I'm confused. Did you just willfully ignore my questions about your treatment of homosexuals and women? I think you did. That's very mendacious. Okay, so I didn't give you my real name, well, in a sense I did, I'm Bill and I'm Mark, they're just different guises.

I would like to write more, but I'm right in the middle of a good dictionary, so this'll have to do.

Mark/Bill

Cambridge City Council Graffiti Removal Targets

2006-04-14T14:09:00.000+01:00

According to their website, the Cambridge City Council aims to remove all graffiti 'at source' [sic]. Presumably this is just a staging post, and the ultimate solution will be to remove it remotely, from the comfort of their Guildhall offices.
Offending graffiti will be removed within one day, which is strange, because illegally parked vehicles blocking bicycle lanes take at least a week.
Graffiti that doesn't offend will take up to five days. I don't see how that works, because you can't say anything these days without offending someone, even if the information is factual, such as 'Starbucks coffee sucks'.

Serendipitous Aphorism - IX

2006-04-12T20:28:00.000+01:00

In vain you tell me that Artificial Government is good, but that I fall out only with the Abuse. The Thing! The Thing itself is the Abuse!
Edmund Burke, A Vindication of Natural Society

Starbucks i$n't...

2006-04-12T19:26:00.000+01:00

Here's what a real espresso looks like. Ignore the 'Whittard' on the shotglass, their coffee is *$&^#. This is from 'the man on the market' in Cambridge, my own 3:1 blend of organic fairtrade Sumatra (smooth but potent) and fairtrade Brazilian Santos (for a bit of bite). This is right at the end of the pour - see what I mean by the Guinness effect (much as I hate to use this term as a vegan)? Also notice the smoothness of the crema. Just like Irish stout, the layer of crema will thicken as it bubbles up to the top.

I'll let you vote on it:

Your espresso looks a million times better than $tarbuck$!

Your espresso looks a thousand times better than $tarbuck$!

Your espresso looks ten times better than $tarbuck$!

Always listen to the man on the ball...

2006-04-12T17:50:00.000+01:00

Starbucks i$...

2006-04-12T10:26:00.000+01:00

This is what Starbucks espresso looks like according to them, and I think they got it just about right, it looks disgusting (like a buck's worth of tar, haha). Look at that crema, insubstantial and very coarse foam. And obviously this shot has been sitting around for a while (again true to type) for the Guinness effect has completely disappeared (crema rising to surface).
I thought I'd never say this but I laud $tarbuck$ for their honesty.
I'll see if I can replicate the image, show you what REAL espresso looks like (and fairtrade to boot).

$tarbucks is...

2006-04-11T22:15:00.000+01:00

... serving sub standard coffee to below par human beings.

Serendipitous Aphorism - VIII

2006-04-09T20:35:00.000+01:00

Is graffiti art or vandalism?
That word has a lot of negative connotations and it alienates people, so no, I don't like to use the word 'art' at all.
banksy

Scientology got me sussed?

2006-04-03T22:16:00.000+01:00

No word from my good friend Janne at Scientology for many days now. But no fears, I have crafted a new secret identity, and have re-emersed myself into the shady world of Xenu haters.
I won't tell you more, in case we are being watched. Hey, I'm not paranoid, if you can find this, so can they... Hey, who are you anyway. Identify yourself. Come back! Cowards!

April is music month

2006-04-02T00:27:00.000+01:00

I've been telling myself that the first month where the weather permits, I will set myself the task of writing and recording some songs. Three seems a reasonable number.

Today I started, and I'm not displeased with the results so far. Even my singing isn't as bad as I might've feared (then again, that's not saying much). The first song has as working title IVORY TOWER.

Here's a crappy sounding mp3...

Here's a much better quality (but much bigger - 6.7MB) aif...

Lyrics

YOU FEEL SO SMUG
IN YOUR IVORY TOWER
THINKING ALL THE WHILE
YOU'VE GOT ALL THE POWER

(BUT) I CAN TAKE IT AWAY (just as fast as it came)
ALMOST ANY TIME I CHOOSE (then there'd be nothing more to lose)
AS FAST AS IT CAME (i can take it away)
THEN THERE'D BE NOTHING MORE TO LOSE (almost any time i choose)

PS: the drums are a GarageBand loop, the rest is all me. Once the song is finished, and I have practised my drumming, I'll lay those down as well...

It follows that...

2006-03-31T23:06:00.000+01:00

Given that (thesis 1) political parties define their success by how many people vote for them, and given that (thesis 2) anarchists define their success by how many people don't vote for them, it follows that (synthesis) by either measure, anarchists are more successful than political parties.

Scientology got me waiting...

2006-03-30T22:05:00.000+01:00

No word back yet from Janne. I wonder if it's a real person or just a front. I don't even know if I am talking to a man or a woman. According to the baby name guesser it's almost equally likely to be a boy's as a girl's name.

In the meantime, here's what a 1967 pamphlet published by the Scientologists has to say about Australians. Well, it talks about Victorians only, as it was in reply to a damning report on Scientology by a Victorian enquiry (cited in the British Foster report), which states that:

Scientology is evil; its techniques evil; its practice a serious threat to the community, medically, morally and socially, and its adherents sadly deluded and often mentally ill.

Scientology is a grave threat to family and home life. As well as causing financial hardship it engenders dissension, suspicion and mistrust amongst members of the family. Scientology has caused many family estrangements.
The Board has been unable to find any worth-while redeeming feature in Scientology.

(Scientology is a) fabric of falsehood, fraud and fantasy.

So this is what the Scientologists had to say about the report (to which they gave their complete cooperation, by the by). Their pamphlet was tellingly called Kangaroo Court:

The State of Victoria began in the 19th Century as a convict settlement composed of the riff-raff of London's slums - robbers, murderers, prostitutes, fences, thieves - the scourings of Newgate and Bedlam. [...] A society founded by criminals, organised by criminals and devoted to making people criminals.

On behalf of my Australian relatives, and of course Bill, I am deeply offended.

Scientology got me piqued

2006-03-29T18:17:00.000+01:00

From:    cclondon@scientology.net
Subject: Re: Bill Platypus, personality test results
Date:    29 March 2006 13:29:01 BDT
To:      platypusbill@ntlworld.com

Dear Mark,

Yes! I remember seeing Arsenal play on Swedish TV in such a snow blizzard
that it looked like the 'War of the Ants' and you had to guess who made a
goal! It was great as the Swedish football season ended around October, or
so.

Anyway, to get back to your personality traits and how to spot indicators in
others as to if they mean you good or are out to harm you. There is a book
called 'Science of Survival' which covers something called a Tone Scale of
Emotions. This information covers the exact behavour and indicators to look
out for in others to predict their acts.

Would you be interested in reading something like that?

Cheers!

Janne

From:    platypusbill@ntlworld.com
Subject: Re: Bill Platypus, personality test results
Date:    29 March 2006 18:13:50 BDT
To:      cclondon@scientology.net

Dear Janne,

I don't know why you keep calling me Mark?!

I had a look on Amazon for 'Science of Survival', and I saw that it was written by Ron Hubbart. Wasn't he a science fiction writer? I used to be into that stuff as a teenager. Or am I confusing him with someone else?
Either way, most of the reviews were very positive, but there was one that mentioned that gays and lesbians are at the lowest level of what you call the Tone Scale of Emotions. And that the book suggests killing off all the beggars in a bid to cure leprosy. That all sounds very intolerant to me. Plus that women have to stay at home and look after the men, cooking for them. I like a nice home-cooked meal as much as the next guy, but I also like cooking myself, and I don't want to have to give that up.

It all makes me wonder whether I would want to read a book like that.

--Bill

Scientology got me ROTFL

2006-03-28T22:29:00.000+01:00

From:    cclondon@scientology.net
Subject: Bill Platypus, personality test results
Date:    28 March 2006 12:08:18 BDT
To:      platypusbill@ntlworld.com

Dear Mark,

Thank you for your reply. I understand your confusion on this.

Yes, the little cloud means that the trait is not stably at the level shown
on the graph and could mean that someone or something in your life has a
negative influence over you in this area. This could lead you into being
active in areas that are not of your choice but rather being forced on you
and thus making other traits lower.

There are certain traits to look out for in people that help one spot where
this influence comes from and enables you to do something about it.

Would you like to know more about this?

Regards,

Janne Bjork

From:    platypusbill@ntlworld.com
Subject: Re: Bill Platypus, personality test results
Date:    28 March 2006 22:27:03 BDT
To:      cclondon@scientology.net

Dear Janne,

Well, I'm definately active now, positively buzzing. Arsenal just beat Juventus in a magnificent display of technical football. I was screaming so loud after each goal that the cat went and hid behind the curtains. I haven't seen him since.

As to more serious matters, I am intrigued by your suggestion that I can look out for traits in other people to help me spot negative influences they have on me. I am normally pretty blase about how other people react toward me, so I guess this could be a fruitful area for me.

Oh, I do remember that today someone at work gave me a bag of crisps if I would help them with something, even though I am trying to watch my wieght. Is this what you are referring to?

Good stuff,

--Bill

Scientology got me worried

2006-03-27T18:50:00.000+01:00

Psst! I'm undercover. A little while back I filled in the online scientology questionnaire, yes, all 200 questions! They start to grind you down for their brainwashing sessions even before you ever set foot in their offices.
Anyhoo, here're the results:

Then the emails ensued. I was using Bill for this, and with his big webbed front paws he misspelled his surname. Also, the scientologist's text is in blue...

From:    cclondon@scientology.net
Subject: Bill Patypus' personality test results
Date:    23 March 2006 01:08:55 GMT
To:      platypusbill@ntlworld.com

Dear Bill,

Thank you for filling out your personality test on the internet.
Your next step is a free evaluation of the resultant personality graph.

Did you receive it yet?

Regards,

Janne Bjork

From:    platypusbill@ntlworld.com
Subject: Re: Bill Patypus' personality test results
Date:    23 March 2006 08:24:38 GMT
To:      cclondon@scientology.net

Dear Janne,

Looking at the graph resulting from my online test, I don't recognize myself at all. I think I am a pretty confidant, healthy being. How is this possible?

--Bill

From:    cclondon@scientology.net
Subject: Re: Bill Patypus' personality test results
Date:    26 March 2006 23:10:23 BDT
To:      platypusbill@ntlworld.com

Dear Bill,

Thank you for your reply. I understand your confusion on this.

There could be either of two things at play here, or both: 1) The circle
around Trait E indicates that you are not having the low point on the graph
at all times. It varies and you could be quite high on the graph during
perods of your life but then other times take be low. Is this true?
2) How was your understanding of the questions? Sometimes a misunderstood
test could give a different result than is the actual scene.

Which one of these do you feel is more the case?

Also, did you answer like you feel right now rather than how you would
usually handle things in the past?

Regards,

Janne Bjork
cclondon@scientology.net

From:    platypusbill@ntlworld.com
Subject: Re: Bill Patypus' personality test results
Date:    27 March 2006 18:14:29 BDT
To:      cclondon@scientology.net

Dear Janne,

There could be either of two things at play here, or both: 1) The circle around Trait E indicates that you are not having the low point on the graph at all times. It varies and you could be quite high on the graph during perods of your life but then other times take be low. Is this true?

Now I'm even more confused. I did wonder what the little cloud around 'E' was, but that was one of my few positive areas, together with aggressive. Does that mean that I'm too active? It's true that some times I am more active than others. For instance, yesterday I went for a run (the first time in a month or more) and today I feel quite listless.

2) How was your understanding of the questions? Sometimes a misunderstood test could give a different result than is the actual scene.

I think I understood them okay. I did feel that the same question was being asked over and over. And sometimes when it says 'I normally this or that' then of course you have to make a judgement. But I tried to be honest.

Also, did you answer like you feel right now rather than how you would usually handle things in the past?

Well, depending on what the question asked. I guess how I'm now, but then if it asked, do you sometimes, then I answered yes if that's a thing I used to do or sometimes did. I hope this is alright.

I still don't know if I fully understand the graph.

--Mark

Competition for AntiChrist

2006-03-26T14:00:00.000+01:00

I might have to stick to being the AntiMoron. Pope WellSaid has already staked his claim to the title of Dark Lord of the Universe. Here's the evidence:

Notice the cloven hoof?

Here's one Platypus Bill spotted as he was retouching the papal coat of arms...

The coat of arms is clearly held aloft by the Devil's horns. Make of that what you will...

The Bible is the Word of God Brigade - II

2006-03-26T13:39:00.000+01:00

I am the AntiChrist! The evidence is all too obvious, if you just let things interpret themselves. First off, on the day that I post the 'The Bible is the Word of God Brigade' entry, mentioning the AntiChrist, I get 6 page loads, 6 unique visitors, all 6 first time... 666, the Number of the Beast!
And when was this entry posted? At 2.09 AM Saturday night, a time that does not exist in the normal dimensions of time and space, due to the esoterica that is British Summer Time. As if British summer weren't an oxymoron. No, not an oxymoron, the opposite... antimoron? Verily, I am the AntiMoron!

Rant Out.

The Bible is the Word of God Brigade

2006-03-26T02:09:00.000+01:00

Phew... We can finally all stop worrying, about the meaning of it all, for as the Restored Church of God proclaims...

Now is the time to stop assuming. Now you can know what God's Word actually says about antichrist-as long as you allow the Bible to interpret itself!

How stupid have we all been... Rather than trying to interpret the bible ourselves, or have the pope, the priest, or a platypus do it for us, we should just let the book interpret itself!

I envision a whole franchise: self-interpreting tax forms, legal small print, Bush press conferences, you name it.

A Cardinal Sin - part II

2006-03-25T16:53:00.000Z

Vatican on list of Iraqi oil recipients

A Cardinal Sin

2006-03-24T21:56:00.000Z

How the Vatican colluded with the Nazis...

Auto da fe

2006-03-24T15:37:00.000Z

I'm a self-doubting solipsistic vegan anarchist...

Core belief / illusion

2006-03-24T10:12:00.000Z

I am a solipsist. The problem is I am starting to doubt that the only thinking entity in the universe is really me, or if that is just the illusion of someone else...

Mood

2006-03-23T22:31:00.000Z

I feel like someone is impersonating me... poorly...

The Holy Platipacy

2006-03-20T21:53:00.000Z

From: mark.claessen@ntlworld.com
Subject: Excommunication
Date: 20 March 2006 21:02:36 GMT
To: office@net.va

Dear Vatican,

For years now I have been trying to get myself removed from the register of the catholic church, with many false starts, promising looking lines of enquiry, but all meeting the same result: ultimate failure.
I was baptized, I believe - my memory is a bit vague on account of being only just born -, at the Church of the Holy Hubertus in Blerick, The Netherlands, either at the end of 1968 or at the start of the following year. My birthday is [birthday supplied], my full name is Mark [full name supplied] Claessen.

I no longer regard myself as a member of your quaint cult. I am an atheist, and have been for many years. I have depicted Jesus as a platypus, as well as ranted against the bigotry and intolerance at the heart of christianity on numerous occasions.

I am of course not planning on stopping any of these activities, but if you don't remove me from your annals, I will take this as an active endorsement of these activities, a fact I will widely publicize. I can see it right now, a logo with Jesus as a platypus. Hey, I could do selected passages from the new testament, reinterpreted with Jesus as a platypus. Okay, I admit it sounds stupid, but no more so than Jesus as the son of god, dying for my sins at the cross.

In your reply, please spare me all the recantations about the baptism being a present from god that is non-returnable, I've heard it all before. It is my honest belief that I have done enough to be excommunicated from the roman catholic church, but if you disagree with this assessment, please let me know so I can up the ante some more. If you feel overly helpful, you could tell me exactly what a guy has to do to be kicked out, severed from the mother church, whichever way you want to put it.

Your sincerely,

--Mark Claessen

PS: I plan to hang on to my holy communion presents, just see it as a part-payment for all the religious propaganda I've had to put up with all my life.

Dick Duck Rides Again

2006-03-17T00:02:00.000Z

Apology for Jesus cartoon

2006-03-14T11:43:00.000Z

I don't normally do this, but in this case I feel it is only right. I would like to apologize for the cartoon featured in my last post. If you look at the easel in the upper left corner, holding the canvas that Platypus Dali is painting, you can clearly see that the perspective is all screwed up. That's because, and I know this is no excuse, it was meant to be seen head on, but then I noticed that PD's stance looked wrong, so I changed the position of the easel, but by that time I had already drawn in the perspective.
So, once again I humbly apologize. Even to the 'the-bible-is-the-literal-word-of-god' brigade, just because they're completely delusional does not mean I can depict their saviour in a cartoon containing a false perspective, however twisted their own perspective is.

Iesus Nazarenus Rex Platiporum

2006-03-13T22:35:00.000Z

Serendipitous Aphorism - VII

2006-03-12T18:08:00.000Z

No matter who you vote for, the government always wins...
- popular anarchist saying

Star Wars v Dogma

2006-03-12T16:10:00.000Z

Has anyone ever noticed how similar Qui-Gon Jinn from Star Wars and Buddy Jesus from Kevin Smith's Dogma are? Now I know from Clerks (and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) that KS is a big SW fan, but both films are from 1999, so I don't see how he could've modelled BJ on QGJ...

Star Wars (deleted scene exclusive)

2006-03-12T15:15:00.000Z

This is why I hate advertising

2006-03-12T14:15:00.000Z

No, it's corny lines that kill albatrosses.
Honestly, I was so enraged that I went and burned all my Aristoc tights. Birds were falling out of the sky because of the acrid smoke and searing winter winds are blowing up my thighs, but dammit I don't care.
In fact, I have long made it a principle to expressly NOT buy anything that is advertised in a way that is derogatory, challenges my intelligence, or talks down to me in some other way.

PS: thanks to Jon Quinn for bringing this to my attention... Your reward is coming up in the next post.

Disfigured blog

2006-03-10T07:56:00.000Z

I am a bit pissed off at the picture of Lubbers, he's just so ugly, and you can tell this was taken seconds after shaving, because the guy's beard would just pop back in minutes. Plus he has these evil eyebrows, and this continuous snarl when he tries to laugh.
Come to think of it, his precursor was no looker either, but more of the Major mold, kind of sedate looking.
His labour incumbant looked normal, but he was blessed with the name Kok, which can't have helped his international career. I guess with a name like that they won't want to offer him a UN post, given what happened to Lubbers, you just can see the headline, can't you? (Oh, okay, Lubbers resigned after accusations of sexual harassmant just wouldn't die down.)
From the article: Asked about Kok, she said: "Don't get me wrong, I like Kok. But the way he flared up and went all red! I guess I must have rubbed him up the wrong way." Another of the accusers said about Kok that "he just couldn't keep it to himself."

The disillusionment of AI

2006-03-09T22:37:00.000Z

Hihi, this is fun, one more...

I didn't write this poem, but I did translate it. First the :

De wereld is plat
Zeker weten doe ik dat
Geen gecijfer, geen getallen
Ik heb een aambeeld
Op mijn globe laten vallen

Next the same three automatic translators as below. First altavista:

The world is plat 
certainly know does I that 
to no gecijfer, no numbers 
I to aambeeld 
on my globe have let fall

Well, it managed to at least get the first two lines to rhyme. Next freetranslation:

The worlds is broadly 
Certain knowledge do have let fall I that 
No gecijfer, no numbers 
I an aambeeld 
On my globe

Doesn't really flow, now, does it? Finally systrans:

The world is plat
Certain knowing does I that
No gecijfer, no numbers
I have aambeeld
On my globe let fall

Not bad, except that none of them seem to know what an aambeeld is. Okay, I won't keep you in suspense any longer. Here's my translation (not literal of course):

The world's completely flat
I'm absolutely sure of that
It's not that I'm on dope
I dropped an anvil on my globe

More poetry

2006-03-09T22:15:00.000Z

Here's another one from the distant past:

Kikkers

De mens die loopt rechtop
De mens die loopt verkeerd
Door die kop zo in de hoogte
Zijn zijn hersenen verweerd

De mens die kan echt denken
Maar is dat nou zo'n zegen
Nooit nog maakten kikkers
Dixonine-zure regen

I appreciate that not everyone speaks or even reads Dutch, so I squirted this through the Babelfish:

Frogs 

People who run rechtop 
people who run found oneself 
by that head this way in altitude 
its brain are defended 

People who can really think 
but are that nou such blessing 
made never still frogs 
Dixonine-zure rain

Mmh, it's lacking something, not sure what... Let's try freetranslation:

Frogs

The man that walks upright 
De man that walks been wrong 
Through that head so in the height 
Be be brains weathered

The man that can marriage think
Only is that now such blessing
Never yet made frogs 
Dixonine-sour rain

Catches the flavor better, and at least it has tried to tackle all the words, except for a stray 'de' (the). Okay. one more (systran):

Frogs

People who run rechtop
People who run found oneself
By that head this way in altitude
Its its brain defended

People whom can really think
But is that nou such a blessing
Never still frogs made
Dixonine-zure rain

I give up. You pick the winner.

Just how dumb do you think I am?

2006-03-09T21:48:00.000Z

Yes, of course I know the quiz below is rigged so that most people will score libertarian (more than one in three according to the site's own figures), in order to lure you into their net, so they can put their libertarian poison fangs into your flesh. But hey, I can't help it, I just like quizzes (why does the 'z' double?). I even fill in shopping questionnaires. Then throw them in the (recycling) bin of course.

That reminds me of a poem I once wrote about Ruud Lubbers, the former Christian-Democrat Dutch PM, now of UN (in)fame.

I turn the Magic Screen to Three
And lo, behold! what do I see?
A gloomy face from darker worlds
Where only fires burn to light
Up eternal night
And torture the unfleshly flesh
Of souls that traverse one of Nine
Even now I know - too sure
That once will come my time
Meanwhile, frozen by his evil stare
I cannot move - and would not dare
Mesmerized I stand aghast
And pray that this moment will pass
He tries to cast a spell with words
And soothe me with his evil tongue
Trapped inside his poison snare
I know that he's right
And I'm wrong
A spider in disguise is he
His face all specked with lies
Spins a web full of intrigue
To Dante's bolgias I feel obliged
To go when served my earthly stay
In this Lubberian world
In full decay

Or something like that...

The world's smallest political quiz

2006-03-09T21:41:00.000Z

The red dot, that's me. Click on the image to take the test.

The folly of religion and the arrogance of science

2006-03-08T21:32:00.000Z

Since we cannot understand the world as it is (our sensory apparatus and the nature of reality are just too much at odds), we need to couch it in structures and words that relate to our everyday existence. Religion is the earliest and most obvious example. Science is another one, although it doesn't like to think of itself that way. We are all story tellers, interpreting our experiences, placing them inside a world view that makes sense to us. The same is happening with dreams: it is a byproduct - a serendipitous epiphenomenon if you like - of the way our minds collate and restructure memories collected during our waking life.

That is one of the reasons for starting my lucid dreaming experiments again. Not only does it give you insight into how your mind works when it is dissociated from the world (other than once removed through memories), it also has the effect of making you stand back from reality in your waking life. Today I had what could almost be described as an out-of-body experience, as I observed people in a meeting. I felt like a true observer, unencumbered by the weight that a physical self attaches to a point of view. Since a point has no mass, you could say that I was truly approaching a point of view.

Should I stand?

2006-03-07T22:09:00.000Z

I just read this excellent article on libertarian anarchism. It argues that the best way to fight the system is through direct action and by withholding your vote. But the local election are coming up and I'm about to stand for the Green Party. I'll probably go ahead with it until I've read up on various anarchist theories. Plus it's so damn good for your self-esteem, getting hundreds of people voting for you. Plus it gets me more googles, fighting off all those other Mark Claessens that're around. See, I can't possibly be a libertarian anarchist, I'm just not self-centred enough...

Weird experience or wind up?

2006-03-07T21:18:00.000Z

As I cycled home tonight, I was going along what is optimistically called a terrace, in reality a paved path between a churchyard and the back of some houses. It is easily wide enough for a pedestrian and a cyclist to pass each other with room to spare. There was a girl coming the other way, but since she was keeping to one side, I'd assumed she'd seen me, even though she was keeping her head down. It was just after six, so it was near on dark.
As I passed her, she let out a shriek and threw her arms in the air, then danced along, without however looking back, letting out more shrieking. 'What the hell?' I remember mumbling.
Had she simply not seen me, deep in thought (I had my lights on) and freaked out when she shaw this ghost sailing past? Was she trying to wind me up - then why did she not look back? Did she have some vital components missing on the top floor? It stumped me...

Eeraaanian

2006-03-07T19:13:00.000Z

Why is everyone saying Iraaanian all of a sudden? Who is behind this, Lloyd Grosman? Does he have a new sauce out? Eeraaanian paaasta sauce? What the fuck's happening here?

Serendipitous Aphorism - VI

2006-03-07T12:46:00.000Z

I wouldn't die for anyone but me.

I'm off to Mars! Seeya...

2006-03-07T08:51:00.000Z

We are going to Mars. My dad, my mother and I are driving to the space port in a Rover 100, I am squished in the back. As we drive up to the place it looks kind of rundown, like a small local airport. There is a big overhang, like a giant petrol station forecourt, with lots of tiny parking spaces, all close together. My dad manages to find a really tight spot, and immediately we are blocked in on all sides. It is right next to the main entrance. I wonder if this is a legal place to park. We get our stuff (little hand luggage allowed on the journey) and make our way into the terminal. We are in plenty of time. As we are walking along, I suddenly ask my dad for the keys and I sprint back to the car, I will have to move it. I can see underneath the cars that the space is not for general parking, although I can't quite make out what the yellow lines spell or signify. I jump in but I am blocked off on all sides. Then a car pulls out diagonally to the right, and before another can pull into the space I squeeze through the gap. There is the odd space close up, but it's almost empty further on. I realize I can just park it anywhere, but I hesitate over the right spot. I back into one, but it's right next to a car unloading several small kids. I have to go slowly. I beep at them to get out of the way, but they just stare at me listlessly. I overshoot the bay and have to move forward again, and again the kids are in the way.
Finally I am in a different spot, a solitary one, right next to the road and not under the overhang. But what does it matter, after all, are we ever coming back to Earth, and strange how they allow people to park here if it's a one way journey.
I sprint into the terminal, and there is a final boarding call, and I still have some way to go. There are several lines of bureaucracy to go through, all taking up valuable time. But someone realizes my plight, and tries to ease my passage through the ranks over the tannoy. There is a buzz in the place now - let's help this kid make it. One official is acting dumb and is instantly berated over the public address. Finally I am at the gate, I can see the rocket ship. The final guy calls me back. He is standing in front of a giant food stall, and he tosses me three vegetables, one like a giant bright purple aubergine. With these and my bag clamped in my hands in front of my body, I run throught the doors onto the tarmac. The ship is right in front of me, it is hard to judge the distance. As the tannoy starts counting down from five, I run with all my might. I think I am going to make it, or am I. I can see a bunch of guys sitting at the steps in front of the entrance door, dressed all in white safety gear, loose around their bodies and with opaque face masks. They take no notice of me. The ship starts moving down the runway, accelerating fast. I now have to run at an angle. I am not going to make it. All it would have taken is a few more seconds. I ponder my decisions, if I'd just dumped the car anywhere I would have made it. And what did I care where the car was parked in the first place?
The ship is speeding now, starting to lift off. I am right behind it. I wonder if there is going to be a rocket blast, but surely they would not have allowed me onto the runway if that were the case. Plus the guys in the white suits would be in harm's way too. The rocket lifts off like a plane, it must be using some other kind of propulsion.
The haze and the cloud morphs into a retouched picture of Tom Cruise holding some belle, from the poster for the movie. At this point I am truly lucid.
Still, I'm Sad to've missed the ship. I go through my options. It's not so bad, I can probably just take the next rocket to Mars.

Tuna friendly dolphins

2006-03-07T08:02:00.000Z

Someone asked me what I think of dolphin friendly tuna? Here's the story. Tuna used to caught with nets, and of course you can't tell a net which fish to catch, so lots of dolphins got caught up in nets (yes, I know they're not fish) too. So they started fishing with lines, which the dolphins I guess are smart enough to ignore.
Problem with that is, albatrosses, those giant white sails of the skies, get caught on the lines and are dying in droves.
So those tins should really say, this tin killed lots of dolphins or this tin killed lots of albatrosses, which do you mind less?
Anyway, if you are going to eat fish (as part of the whole health drive - why do they think people are too stupid to take on anything but a simple slogan - meat bad fish good. There is healthy meat and unhealthy fish) tuna is a pretty stupid choice. It's all protein. You can get that from beans and pulses and no animal has to be killed, and no bugs need to be splattered (obscure reference, you get points for figuring that one out).
Reasons two and three are that tuna is a big hunting fish, sitting right near the top of the food tree, accumulating all those PCBs that we dump into the oceans. Happy mutating. And then the only really healthy fish is cold water fish, as they need omega-3 (and 6) oils to keep their bodies from freezing up. You can get those from walnuts and flax and hemp etc too, but they are in shorter strains, so you end up eating lots of walnuts (which is what I do, I love walnuts, it's like eating lots of little brains, I think it makes me smarter).
Well that's enough ranting, it's time for breakfast. I'll save the little brains for lunch.

Where am I?

2006-03-05T21:50:00.000Z

I'll give you a clue: it's not Holland, although you are forgiven for thinking so. Okay, so you're not completely wrong, the Dutch did have a hand in shaping this landscape. It's the Fens north of Cambridge. Once a beautiful labyrinth of meandering waterways, surrounding the island of Ely, now reduced to acres of flat farmland. A lot of it below sealevel. Which gives me hope, because what with global warming, before too long everything will have reverted to its natural order, and I can walk to the beach, instead of having to drive 60 miles.

More lucidity

2006-03-04T17:10:00.000Z

Check this out...

has a book on lucid dreaming. (Go on, click it...)

Rational anarchism

2006-03-04T16:09:00.000Z

I had the idea of writing a wikipedia page on rational anarchism. In my research, I found a reference to an online philosophical quiz, to determine which moral philosophy you agree with most. I am not big on moral philosophy, but it looked like fun, so I tried it.
Here are the results:


 1. Ayn Rand          (100%)
 2. Jean-Paul Sartre   (93%)
 3. John Stuart Mill   (72%)
 4. David Hume         (69%)
 5. Thomas Hobbes      (69%)
 6. Aristotle          (63%)
 7. Nel Noddings       (60%)
 8. Aquinas            (59%)
 9. Cynics             (58%)
10. Nietzsche          (58%)
11. Epicureans         (57%)
12. Stoics             (50%)
13. Kant               (43%)
14. St. Augustine      (39%)
15. Plato              (38%)
16. Spinoza            (32%)
17. Jeremy Bentham     (30%)
18. Ockham             (29%)
19. Prescriptivism     (28%)

Very interesting indeed, but what does it mean? I agree with Rand on the libertarian front, and - I guess - the morality of self-serving, but I think she is an apologist for capitalism (and certainly she has come to be used as one). Plus she ignores the wider implications of our actions, falling foul of the dilemma of the commons. Of course, the environment wasn't quite the issue it was in her day, and she might have argued that an individual is responsible for the impact his actions have on the environment (in the libertarian sense). But I find it hard to read her novels (especially Atlas Shrugged) without thinking she hasn't quite thought this through enough.

Suenos lucidos

2006-03-04T10:21:00.000Z

I realized some of y'all might not know what lucid dreaming refers to. Well, here goes...

(Start voice-over, in the style of Michael McKean playing Morris Fletcher in the X-Files double Dreamland)

There once was an American guy, I don't remember his name, who claimed to have lived with Tibetan monks who had taught him the secrets of lucid dreaming. He wrote a book about this which became an instant best-seller. Unfortunately, his claims turned out to be based on a scam. However, by this time, thousands had followed the 'Tibetan monk' method and claimed they actually worked.

This proves that it doesn't much matter how you try to achieve lucidity, it is the working toward it that counts. The pleasure of the trip is in the journey, not in the arriving, so to speak. (End VO.)

I realize I actually haven't said what lucid dreaming is. (Switches widgets.) Wikipedia defines it as "the conscious perception of one's state while dreaming, enabling a more cogent ("lucid") control over the content and quality of the experience". To cut a long story short, here's what you do.

keep a notepad or better notebook by your bedside

when you wake up, you write down the contents of your dream(s), in as much detail as you can remember, using first-person, present tense (trust me, this is important to keep you in the experience and aid recall)

don't get frustrated if you can't remember much at first, just write down whatever you recall, just make sure that it's the first thing you do when you wake up, and

soon, you will start to remember your dreams in much greater detail

now you're ready for the next stage: at some point, you will become aware that you're dreaming while you're dreaming; don't force it, just ease into it, you are taken a first step toward becoming an

oneiraut, literally, a dream explorer, conducting experiments and steering your dreams, or stepping out of dreams you don't much like

you have to keep this up to advance; I did it for a while and then stopped; now, the only 'ability' I have left is the ability to snap out of dreams that are turning nasty

Beaux reves!

DreamJournal

2006-03-03T07:46:00.000Z

I have started a dream journal again, see if I can get lucid once more. I found this cool wiki software, a perfect vehicle to organize my dreams.

I might even share some of the results sometimes, although obviously in a slightly censored version.

Peace out to all the hippies.

Conversations with random Xs - II

2006-03-01T20:50:00.000Z

HER - You are a red rose of thought.

ME - Huh?

Serendipitous Aphorism - V

2006-03-01T09:22:00.000Z

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
- Spike Milligan

Conversations with random Xs - I

2006-02-28T23:57:00.000Z

ME - Hey, what's this book on Feng Shui doing here? You don't believe in this stuff, do you?

HER - Sure I do. It really works. I have been trying to change things around.

ME - Ah. Is that why the microwave is in the bathroom...

HER - The only problem with this appartment, my place of work should be in the east, and that's where my bedroom is.

ME - Well, maybe you should just change your line of work...

Some hippie

2006-02-28T21:20:00.000Z

I've got some hippie in me, apparently. Check out the Hippie Quiz.

Here's how my score breaks down (it's a bit like one of those 'do you remember when' Simpson or Friends episodes):

For each inch your hair reaches past your shoulders - give yourself 2 pts.
I don't see why I should be punished for being folicly challenged, but I'll be honest, 0 points.

For males- if you have gotten flack for having long hair - add 2 pts.
I used to have long hair and always had the mickey taken, so I'll give myself 2 points for this.

If your home is decorated with homemade art - add 10 pts.
Yep, photograms decorating the walls, children's paintings, homemade cd shelves with spotlights (trust me, it's a work of art).

If you do pottery - add 2 pts.
Check it out!

If you were at Woodstock - add 10 pts.
No, but I met the guy who directed the movie, so how many points is that? But, again, I'll be honest.

Who is your favorite Beatle?

* If it is John - add 4 points
* George - add 3 points
* Ringo - add 2 points
* Paul - add 1 point

Mmh, don't like the Beatles much, but it'd have to be John.

If you own an incense burner - add 2 pts.
Yep, that's me.

If you have written a song protesting war, bucking the establishment, or containing a reference to illegal drugs - add 5 pts
Yes, yes, and... yes.

If you have written songs about all three - add 10 pts.
Whoopee! Check out this little dittie.

If you were actually alive in the 1960s - add 3 pts
Haha, we're rolling now.

If you've taken part in a peace march - add 2 pts
What, 2 measly points! I'll kick your head in, I'll... no wait.

If you've started a petition - add 2 pts
Actually, I didn't give myself any points for this, but one second thought I'll count the nomination list for the local elections. It's kind of a petition.

If you've ever received junk mail addressed to "dear radical" - add 5 pts
I'm sure I have.

If you're a vegetarian - add 5 pts
How many points do I get for being a vegan?

If you think money is the root of all evil - add 2 pts
Root, trunk and branch, baby.

If you've been to San Francisco - add 1 pt
Frisco, baby.

If you've lived in a commune - add 10pts
Lived in one? I was borne in the world's largest commune! Check it out! But honestly, no.

If you own a tie dyed article of clothing - add 2 pts
Well, yes actually. One of those things left in my wardrobe after another broken relationship. There should be a name for those.

If you did not dye it yourself - subtract 1 pt
Dang!

If you own any clothing items made of hemp - add 2 pts.
Ooh, plenty. Is that 2 points for each item? Here's where I get them...

If you have practiced Transcendental Meditation, have seriously studied Eastern religion, or been a Jesus freak - add 5 pts
What, no points for lucid dreaming?

If you have had a chemically induced spiritual experience - add 5 pts
Man, that was good pot!

If you voted for Ronald Reagan - subtract 200 pts
What, only 200?

Scoring

Well, I believe I'm stuck at 61.

Anything under 10- You are the establishment.
11-79- You've got some hippie in you, hang out a while.
80-100- Yes, my friend, you're a hippie. Isn't it far out?
100 and above- Wow man, now I don't want to put any labels on you, but you're
absolutely a hippie.

But I should be awarded extra points for having Crumb and the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers albums.

Serendipitous Aphorism - IV

2006-02-27T23:04:00.000Z

'War has a tendency to encourage a depressing dearth of view.'
- Dick 'Duck' Duck

Serendipitous Aphorism - III

2006-02-27T23:00:00.000Z

'Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war.'
- Donald 'Duck!' Rumsfeld

The New Sears Weapons Catalog

2006-02-27T22:52:00.000Z

Coe Fen toward sunset

2006-02-27T21:49:00.000Z

Serendipitous Aphorism - II

2006-02-27T10:25:00.000Z

The absence of absolute truth is relatively hard to grasp

Serendipitous Aphorism - I

2006-02-27T10:22:00.000Z

If you blunder around in the dark long enough
You'll bump into the right tree

Wonderful Widgets

2006-02-26T22:27:00.000Z

Here it is, my first, wonderfully amateuristic, widget:

(No points for guessing what it does.)

Posting from my dashboard

2006-02-22T21:49:00.000Z

Tricky to keep my eyes on the road while typing. Yeah, same to you buddy. He's got a point though, better make this short. Check out the Dashblog widget (if this works, then again if it doesn't this won't reach you anyway).

Who are the real pushers?

2006-02-20T23:13:00.000Z

I had a dream...

2006-02-19T22:27:00.000Z

I had a dream the other night. Someone called from Hollywood and asked me to come up with the perfect sitcom. Well, I said, first off, no canned laughter, I hate that stuff. And I want it shot on location, not all stuffy sets. Okay, he said, wha' else. Who's gonna be in it. That's easy, the main character is Jason Lee, I just love him in Mallrats. But don't get Kevin Smith involved, he's gone all mainstream with that terrible Jersey Girl crap or whatever that was called. Who else? I don't know his name, but that fat guy with the hat in Mallrats, the one that can't see the 3D picture who didn't know what a schooner is... Nathan Uplee, is that his name. You mean Ethan Suplee. Whatever. Plus a bunch of goodlooking chicks. Plus like really good guest actors. Like that guy who played the gay guy that had his nipple rings twisted in The Opposite of Sex. Plus that guy that was in DPO, X-Files season, something. Ah, Giovanni Ribisi. I dunno, he was in Lost in Translation as well. Yes, that's the guy. So what's this show going to be about? I dunno. It needs some kind of story line, some kind of gimmick, but each episode needs to stand on its own. Look, I need to wake up and get ready for work. You figure something out.

And what do you know? This lucid dreaming stuff really works. Check out My Name is Earl.

Confused?

2006-02-19T22:13:00.000Z

I understand some people are getting confused about the plethora of blogsites that are sprouting up under my name. Here's a roadmap:

This blog was meant to be discontinued, but see post below.

Platypus Bill & Friends is the blog of my good friend Bill. I just run it for him. It's a kind of a Pekar and Crumb relationship.

My nano livejournal only operates during NaNoWriMo.

My vegan year journal documents my besoignes (love that word) during my Vegan Year. Again blatantly stolen from Pekar.

Dick Duck's SAS tips has nothing whatsoever to do with me. Okay, my picture appears on the profile, but that's just because Dick stole the CSS. Both Bill and myself think that Dick is an asshole. Please don't feed the duck's ego anymore and stay clear of this site.

See, it's not all that complicated really...

Well, fuck...

2006-02-19T22:06:00.000Z

A friend of mine told me that this blog was worth more than a thousand dollar, so I checked it out, and sure 'nough...

My blog is worth $1,129.08.
How much is your blog worth?

So how do I lay my hands on this money? I'll sell it for an even thou'. Any takers?

Winding Down Sale...

2005-10-27T23:19:00.000+01:00

Platypys Bill cordially invites you to his new home at

platypusbill.blogspot.com

Over the next few days, Bill will move all his stuff over to his new place, with the help of all his friends. He hopes to finish before the 1st of November, as Bill has decided to become a...

Let it never be said that a total lack of talent has ever stopped a Platypus from trying, however futilly.

Near-Life Experience

2005-09-14T21:03:00.000+01:00

Toward the evening of 20 August, I fell 20 feet off a rockface while walking in the Black Cuillin on the Isle of Skye. Miraculously, I escaped with a minor headwound, and numerous cuts and bruises. I walked out of the coire, minus glasses and watch, and some very kind passers-by took me to the hospital to get cleaned and stitched up. The fall itself was a special, almost spiritual moment, not that I'd care to repeat it, but in a sense I'm glad it happened. It gave me new insights.

I'd like to tear the flesh off your bones...

2005-06-26T15:45:00.000+01:00

Not my own sentiment, of course (unless you are you-know-who-you-are). We went to the Raptor Foundation yesterday. The birds are beautiful, but like they say - flying is wasted on them. Apparently, THEY SEE IT AS A CHORE.

How do they know that, though? Seeing a kestrel hovering in the air, then swooping down, I can't help but believe that it's having a good time. Am I anthropomorphising? And if birds think that humans are stupid for wanting to fly, which is really more bother than it's worth, are they ornimorphising?

My favorites were the vultures. Did you know that they have a stomach pH of 1.0 to 1.5. For comparison, yours (I am assuming you're human here) is around 3.0. That means that a vulture's stomach is 100 times more acidic! That's to kill the maggots in rotting flesh, apparently.

Oh, I hope you weren't eating your dinner.

Meet me in the top percentile...

2005-06-25T08:11:00.000+01:00

My brain is perfectly balanced

2005-06-21T23:30:00.000+01:00

There is a really cool test that shows you whether you are left or right-brained, and whether you are predominantly an auditory or a visual type of person. It's called brain.exe and you'll find it all over the web. If you don't have a PC, like me, the test is also online. You don't get the nice picture of the brain with the center of your being this way, but I'm sure you can mock something together. Here is mine:

And here is what it says about me (there's more but these are the juicy bits)...

Mark, you are one of those rare individuals who are perfectly "balanced" in both your hemispheric tendencies and your sensory learning preferences. (Didn't I know it?)

However, there is both good news and bad news. (There just had to be, hadn't there?)

You may have a problem with organization. You might organize your time and/or space only to feel the need to reorganize five to ten weeks later. (So that's where that comes from...)

On the positive side, you bring resources to problem-solving that others may not have. You can perceive the "big picture" (as well as the "big sound" I presume) and the essential details simultaneously and maintain the cognitive perspective required. You possess sufficient verbal skills (merely sufficient?) to translate your intuition into a form which can be understood by others while still being able to access ideas and concepts which do not lend themselves to language. (Yes, I'd like to tell you about those, but how?)

Your balanced nature might lead you to second-guess yourself in artistic endeavors, losing some of the fluidity, spontaneity and creativity that otherwise would be yours. (How do you second-guess yourself? I knew I was going to chose the peanut butter sandwich, I just knew it!)

With your balanced sensory styles, you process data alternately, at times visually and other times auditorially. (That's true! I tend to process pictures visually, and music auditorially, although music is a bad example, as I am a little synesthetic, in that I sometimes hear colors - I don't actually know whether that's true, but it makes me sound interesting.)

Your greatest benefit is that you can succeed in multiple fields due to the great plasticity and flexibility you possess. (I guess that is meant in a figurative sense, otherwise it's all wrong)

Thomas Jefferson is my hero

2005-06-20T23:10:00.000+01:00

I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature... Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burned, tortured, fined and imprisoned. What has been the effect of this coercion? To make half the world fools and half hypocrites; to support roguery and error all over the world.

Thomas Jefferson, Notes on Virginia

My political compass...

2005-06-20T22:37:00.000+01:00

In September, 2003, I took a bearing on my political compass. Basically, this asks you a bunch of multiple-choice questions, and then tells you where you stand on two dimensions:

economic left versus right
social libertarian versus authoritarian

I thought it'd be fun to see if in the intervening time my position has changed.

My scores then (out of -10 to +10)
Economic: -8.25
Social: -7.54

My scores now:
Economic: -8.25
Social: -8.56

So as far as economics go, I'm still as much of a lefty as ever, and I have become even more socially libertarian.

Here's a chart that shows the position of some famous world leaders:

Not much of a surprise, I am a rational anarchist, so I am about in the right spot. As you see, as far as I'm concerned, Nelson Mandela is a dangerous authoritarian, while the Dalai Lama is a right-wing extremist.

The site also provides you with a reading list on the basis of your score. Check it out and tell me what you find.

British blasphemy laws

2005-06-20T19:48:00.000+01:00

I learned today that Britain actually has a blasphemy law. It is a law that is mainly based on court cases. In 1977, a judge said that blasphemous libel was committed if a publication about God, Christ, the Christian religion or the Bible used words which were scurrilous, abusive or offensive, which vilified Christianity and might lead to a breach of the peace. But it is a bit of an anachronism, in that it only covers the Church of England. You would, for instance, be allowed to compare the pope to a donkey, but not Jesus, unless you were talking about him in his capacity as a prophet in the muslim faith, I guess. Then again, the House of Lords, in 2001, said that any prosecution under the laws would fail, because they clash with the, overriding, rights to free speech as enshrined in the European laws on Human Rights.
And now the government want to introduce a new law - incitement to religious hatred. Problem is that the definition is so sweeping, that it could cover anything. Not to fear, said the government, it won't be used that way. Say what? Time and again it amazes me how British politicians mix up the distinction between the legislative, the executive and the judiciary. When anti-terror laws were proposed, the home secretary, without giving it a second thought, said that he should say who should be confined, and that the only failsafe in the system was that a panel of judges could review the case in secret. Then when the judges overruled his decision, he said that he didn't agree with them and appealed!
So we are meant to feel safe that the full power of the legislation won't be used. What are we, stupid? Name me one law in history that was not (mis)used to its full potential sooner or later. A law should only be as powerful as it needs to be. That curtails the possibility of it being misused. If the legislative proposes a sledgehammer to crack a nut (as Rowan Atkinson said today), you have to ask yourself, and the legislative branch, why they are proposing a sledgehammer. "It will do the job" is not a sufficient answer. It's like peeling potatoes with a shotgun. No wait, if I aim very carefully, I can peel off the skin, and the heat from the blast will give them a nice crisp taste to boot.
So what's next? Oh yes, of course... ID cards, of course not compulsory. Look, a non-compulsory ID card is like a guide dog without a blind person: utterly pointless. Then again, I don't know what the point of ID cards is supposed to be, as no one has ever told us. Or at least given us any reason that rang true. Oh, I know what they're really for, don't get me wrong. And then there's limitations to trial by a jury of peers. Citizen classes in school are already in place, of course.
So tell me honestly... Am I being paranoid? Or it just that the docile masses are so drugged by television and supermarket food that anyone who takes a blind bit of notice appears that way? Hello... HELLO?!

Film review - Man Bites Dog (C'est arrivé près de chez vous)

2005-06-19T11:49:00.000+01:00

Rating: 9/10
Summary: A work of evil genius

Your reaction to this film, I can promise you, will be one of two:
1. I find it completely unwatchable
2. It is darkly-funniest movie ever made

Another promise I can make without hesitation is that you won't be able to watch this movie without cringing. This film makes Reservoir Dogs look like Bambi. Sure, there are more cringeworthy movies (Audition, Ai No Corrida), but these set out to merely shock, not entertain. And Man Bites Dog almost dares you not to laugh. In this way, it is very much like a Bill Hicks sketch: take an uncomfortable premise like abortion (or, in the film, rape, robbery and murder) and see if you can get the audience to laugh at it, then turn up the violence a notch, and make you feel uncomfortable and guilty for having laughed in the first place. The story is of a low-ranking, no-good-for-anyone, semi-intelligent self-taught philosopher, whom we join somewhere along his killing spree. We, the viewers, do this by looking through the lens of a camera crew, who are following the killer's every move. The killer has a dubious moral conscious: he sees himself as a modern-day Robin Hood, except that his justifications for his acts ring hollow and arbitrary, and he is not exactly kind to those to whom he redistributes his ill-gain wealth (which, hilariously, includes the film crew, who have run out of money to buy more film stock; the killer thus becomes the financier of the movie). As the film crew become more and more involved, they intricate themself, and you start asking yourself how it is that this movie is ever going to be released (which it must have been, since we are watching it). It draws on the same kind of paranoia as, say, Dostoevky or Kafka. As the whole project comes off the rails, we witness a brutal rape scene, and even I found myself thinking - was this really necessary? Then I realize that I have been caught out by the film: I am editorializing, and have become the fourth member of the film crew, thereby giving up any last semblance of distance from the events, and becoming more than a voyeur - a participant in the acts the film portrays. And herein lies the film's true genius: it is exactly what it is, nothing more, nothing less. It looks shaky and grainy, because it was made by a bunch of film students with no money. The sound is crappy because of the same reason. You feel you are following a murderer, because you are (oh, no, of course not, he is an actor, I have to keep reminding myself). In a way, it is reminiscent of the Blair With Project, but whereas there was no point to that film, there is to this one. Namely, it questions our voyeuristic nature, in the process blurring the boundaries between fact and fiction, good and bad, complicity and responsibility, and does this by getting under your skin, reaming some gashes, and then dare you not to pick at the scabs.

Film review: Amsterdamned

2005-06-19T01:33:00.000+01:00

Rating: 0/10
Summary: Worst movie ever, turned into hilarious comedy by the English dub-job

I am actually on one of the takes of this movie, the bit where the speedboat launches off the half-submerged house boat. If that take had ended up in the finished product, I might have given this film two stars.
So, what's wrong with it? Well, the film might have many redeeming features (any film featuring Turkish Delight's Monique vd Ven can't be all bad), and to be sure, some of the camerawork hovering over the Amsterdam canals (although some of these were shot in Utrecht) is very atmospheric, but all is undone by the deus ex vacuum ending.
The story, or maybe I should say premise, is that there is a killer lurking in the Amsterdam (see caveat above) canals. Eric Visser (the name is a pun: it means fisherman) is the police detective charged with finding him, or her, or it (we can't tell, since the killer wears full scuba gear). The film goes throug all the usual twists and turns, in order to make you first think and then doubt that X, Y or Z is the killer. But, huge spoiler and even bigger undoing, guess what? The killer, when he is finally unmasked, is someone who wasn't ever in the movie. Haha, had you fooled! It's like a Scooby Doo episode where they tear off the face mask, to find it out it was you. And you had no recollection of featuring in a Scooby Doo episode.
I had seen the film in the original Dutch version, anxiously looking if I was in it, and when I lived in the States I convinced some of my friends to rent this movie. I kept a straight face when I told them just how good it was. I guess it was my way of vindicating myself for having had to sit through this movie in the first place. What made the film even worse, was that they used the original cast, some of whom had obviously never spoken a word of English before, and were obviously reading off phonetic cue cards, for the dub, except, wait for it, a young boy, whose English must've been really bad considering the other performances that were left in. HE was dubbed by an English actor with a very deep gravelly voice. Just imagine it: here are all these people, talking in broken English or worse, and then in the middle of this appears this young boy, speaking with a posh English accent, in the voice of an overweight cigar-smoking 40-something...
Oh, and the title must be the worst pun in the name of a movie ever. To paraphrase the title track - I'll be damned damned damned before I ever again watch Amsterdamned.

Film review: New Port South

2005-06-18T22:36:00.000+01:00

Score: 3/10
Summary: high school rebellion movie with more loose ends than an Abba jacket.

I got this DVD from a (now ex-)friend of mine who frequently raids the ex-rental bin at Blockbuster. It will shortly turn up in Oxfam, so be warned. About five minutes in, and I saw where this was heading. Bunch of highschool kids get annoyed by the school's administration and thoughts of rebellion start fomenting. I said to my girlfriend: if it gets below a 5 on imdb, I'll go and read a book. It got 5.0, so she persuaded me to go on watching. What are the good things? Well, it is a good thing this film does not have a story, because you would surely be distracted from it by the editing. It's like the student's drawing that was torn up by one of the teachers, all the footage for this film was cut up in a freak accident involving a meatgrinder, and left half the stock destroyed, with the other half spliced into two-second bits. Even in a ten-second scene of the local tv news, there are about six cuts and three different angles. And then there are the montages. These are all set to electronic music, which forewarns you of yet another montage, so that like Pavlov's dog you start cringing every time you hear it, which is about every three minutes.
Oh, I was supposed to say what's good about this film. Well, the film was shot very well, with a nice color palette, that nicely matched the emotional content - such as there was - of the scenes. Okay, now with the film's major flaw, and it wasn't the story, or lack thereof. The director made that fatal mistake of leading you astray about people and situations, not by clever storytelling, but by being highly selective about what to show about the main characters. That's just cheating. I guess he did it in order to make the central character more likeable. But it just became plain annoying. If the story is full of holes, it's no good trying to patch it up by misdirecting the viewer. And often there wasn't even any point to it.
And then the ending. Basically, the main villain of the peace turns out be an okay guy, if a coward. Plus it turns what seemed to be the whole point of the movie, that you should stand up for a just cause on its head, by the already mentioned misdirection, and makes it into a point about the nature of revolutions, that was already made, and much better, by Animal Farm. It also committed what I call the Bill Cosby sin: no matter how things may seem at first, in the end parents are always right, and children always wrong. And let's face it: unless you're me, that's just not true.

Top 10 best tracks ever (IMGO)

2005-06-18T18:15:00.000+01:00

Alone from the album "Hand It Over" by Dinosaur Jr
Digital Bath from the album "White Pony [Bonus Track]" by Deftones
Lucky from the album "OK Computer" by Radiohead
In a Jar from the album "You're Living All Over Me" by Dinosaur Jr
Sober from the album "Undertow" by Tool
To Defy The Laws Of Tradition from the album "Frizzle Fry" by Primus
Jimmy from the album "Ænima" by Tool
Sugar from the album "Burning Dorothy" by Thea Gilmore
Troubled Times from the album "Sweet Oblivion" by Screaming Trees
God Says No from the album "God Says No" by Monster Magnet

Church signs (part 2)

2005-06-18T16:47:00.000+01:00

Well, where do I start on this one...? Apart from the fact that Christians obviously can't spell. Let's just dissect this sentence. As far as I read it, it means: The beauty of Christianity is that they take by force what is not theirs, and the way they do this is by excusing others' (ie non-Christians') mistakes. To paraphrase Colonel Kurtz: The arrogance, the arrogance!
Such tolerance, as well! You might not realize it, they say, but by virtue of the fact that you are not a Christian, you are making a mistake, or worse: causing an offense (to god, I presume). But don't worry, we forgiv you... Say what? I don't recall asking you for forgiveness. The price you have to pay for that forgivness (that you didn't ask for in the first place) is that we'll take whatever you possess that we want for ourselves. Including, but not limited to, your life, your land, your earthly possessions, and hey, why stop there, your immortal soul, even if you don't believe you have one (which crass display of heresy we will forgiv you in the bargain).
Well, hey, thanks, I feel so much better already. Anything else you want?
And as far as doling out forgiveness, I never thought that was Christianity's trump card anyway. Bill Hicks has a nice sketch about this: He came out of this club where he'd just done a gig, and these people came up to him. "Hey, buddy, we're Christians, and we don't like what you said." "Well, then forgive me."
Did they? Like hell they did.

George Bush is... (part 2)

2005-06-17T18:32:00.000+01:00

It sounds like the second line is: Out of this bleeds Tony Blair.
Quite funny actually, but my iMac is obviously taking artistic license, it should read: Out of which creeps Tony Blair.
But you can go with either one, it's fine by me...

George Bush is...

2005-06-17T18:16:00.000+01:00

I wrote this little song for my best friend George Bush...

Guitar: Me
Bass: Me
Drums: Me
Voice: iMac

Rock on, baby!

2005-06-17T02:00:00.000+01:00

I have been trying to set this as background music for MSIE users, but no luck so far...

Guitar: Me
Bass: Me
Drums: GarageBand