Film review: Amsterdamned

Rating: 0/10
Summary: Worst movie ever, turned into hilarious comedy by the English dub-job

I am actually on one of the takes of this movie, the bit where the speedboat launches off the half-submerged house boat. If that take had ended up in the finished product, I might have given this film two stars.
So, what's wrong with it? Well, the film might have many redeeming features (any film featuring Turkish Delight's Monique vd Ven can't be all bad), and to be sure, some of the camerawork hovering over the Amsterdam canals (although some of these were shot in Utrecht) is very atmospheric, but all is undone by the deus ex vacuum ending.
The story, or maybe I should say premise, is that there is a killer lurking in the Amsterdam (see caveat above) canals. Eric Visser (the name is a pun: it means fisherman) is the police detective charged with finding him, or her, or it (we can't tell, since the killer wears full scuba gear). The film goes throug all the usual twists and turns, in order to make you first think and then doubt that X, Y or Z is the killer. But, huge spoiler and even bigger undoing, guess what? The killer, when he is finally unmasked, is someone who wasn't ever in the movie. Haha, had you fooled! It's like a Scooby Doo episode where they tear off the face mask, to find it out it was you. And you had no recollection of featuring in a Scooby Doo episode.
I had seen the film in the original Dutch version, anxiously looking if I was in it, and when I lived in the States I convinced some of my friends to rent this movie. I kept a straight face when I told them just how good it was. I guess it was my way of vindicating myself for having had to sit through this movie in the first place. What made the film even worse, was that they used the original cast, some of whom had obviously never spoken a word of English before, and were obviously reading off phonetic cue cards, for the dub, except, wait for it, a young boy, whose English must've been really bad considering the other performances that were left in. HE was dubbed by an English actor with a very deep gravelly voice. Just imagine it: here are all these people, talking in broken English or worse, and then in the middle of this appears this young boy, speaking with a posh English accent, in the voice of an overweight cigar-smoking 40-something...
Oh, and the title must be the worst pun in the name of a movie ever. To paraphrase the title track - I'll be damned damned damned before I ever again watch Amsterdamned.