The Holy Platipacy
From: mark.claessen@ntlworld.com
Subject: Excommunication
Date: 20 March 2006 21:02:36 GMT
To: office@net.va
Dear Vatican,
For years now I have been trying to get myself removed from the register of the catholic church, with many false starts, promising looking lines of enquiry, but all meeting the same result: ultimate failure.
I was baptized, I believe - my memory is a bit vague on account of being only just born -, at the Church of the Holy Hubertus in Blerick, The Netherlands, either at the end of 1968 or at the start of the following year. My birthday is [birthday supplied], my full name is Mark [full name supplied] Claessen.
I no longer regard myself as a member of your quaint cult. I am an atheist, and have been for many years. I have depicted Jesus as a platypus, as well as ranted against the bigotry and intolerance at the heart of christianity on numerous occasions.
I am of course not planning on stopping any of these activities, but if you don't remove me from your annals, I will take this as an active endorsement of these activities, a fact I will widely publicize. I can see it right now, a logo with Jesus as a platypus. Hey, I could do selected passages from the new testament, reinterpreted with Jesus as a platypus. Okay, I admit it sounds stupid, but no more so than Jesus as the son of god, dying for my sins at the cross.
In your reply, please spare me all the recantations about the baptism being a present from god that is non-returnable, I've heard it all before. It is my honest belief that I have done enough to be excommunicated from the roman catholic church, but if you disagree with this assessment, please let me know so I can up the ante some more. If you feel overly helpful, you could tell me exactly what a guy has to do to be kicked out, severed from the mother church, whichever way you want to put it.
Your sincerely,
--Mark Claessen
PS: I plan to hang on to my holy communion presents, just see it as a part-payment for all the religious propaganda I've had to put up with all my life.
posted by Platypus Bill @ 9:53 pm
11 Comments:
Hi Man - Son of Man, for I presume even if you were born in a test tube, you are still 'son' of your genetic father. Though in today's not so dumb society it is recognised that the father is not he who fathered (sires) the child, no not even the anonymous donor who generously left a deposit at the IVF clinic - but he who RAISES The Child (Pun intended)
Hey bro, if you don't wanna get your head wet, use an umbrella or a cycle helmet will do (I think). PS - If you don't wanna get your head wet in the shower all you need to is wear a whatsimacallit
Heard the expression "water off a ducks back?"
I don't wanna get wet, I don't wanna get wet - cried duck!
That's why ducks have waterproof heathers, and make such greasy Sunday Roast.
Funny it is not oil spillage and oil leaks make weatherproof duck feathers lose their weatherproofness - but the detergents used by well meaning people trying to Save The Duck.
Would you be happier, would it make you happy if the swimming pool at Jesus Green, were renamed the swiming pool of platypus bill?
Well get elected - get a petition signed - I think it is called non violent direct action.
Be interested to see how many votes and/or signatures you get.
I think to be severed from your mother - the matron just cut your umbilical cord. Not sure though I wasn't there to see with my own eyes. But I do believe that is the way it 'normally' occurs.
Of course after that we tend to be mothered or breast fed by mothers or even 'surrogate' breast feeders if you lived in the US 200 years ago.
And finally when 'grown men' want to definitely depart from the mother - I think the term used is "Stop hanging onto your mother's skirt" no need for mother to ex-communicate you, child.
For the mother will always be your mother - and Mother there is only One is another saying, which I hope you will not take too literally. There are many mothers and some mothers have more than one child, but NO Child was given birth to by more than ONE Mother.
You heard the saying or is it joke about MEN - who spend most of their adolescent life trying to get into where they came out of. >>>
Ex-communication? is that what they do from Pubs if you can't afford to pay for any more drinks?
Or is that what they do at the Petrol Pump if you got no cash or credit card?
Maybe that is what they do from certain job applications unless you have certain qualifications. They bin or ex-communicate you + your job application.
Isn't that what credit card companies do to certain people without guaranteed incomes?
I think you get ex-communicated from certain pubs and clubs if you get too drunk or too loud.
I hear some Greens would like to ex-communicate people who drink coffee at Starbucks, or drive 4X4s
Maybe the holy platipacy will excommunicate you if you log onto child pornography. No that won't do it. You just get Platipus Bill knocking on your door.
Have you tried turning Muslim, you might get lucky and get ex-communicated. Nope that won't work either, the holy platipacy communicates with Muslims.
Sorry, I'm running out of ideas. You'll just have to be happy being a Dutchman who doesn't believe in Holland or necessarily support the Dutch Royal family, and moved to England.
If being Atheist makes you happy, be happy, live happy + die happy.
I've got nothing against Jews, Muslims, Hindus, or even Christians - one for one. Or Americans for that matter. It's Christianity I have a problem with. I know lots of Americans who don't like the way America is at the moment either. In fact, I know so many that I wonder who are all those people who voted for Bush?
Basically, people handing their brain over to whatever organization, and saying, here, take this, you think for me, I can't be bothered. And then turning around when that organization goes and kicks the shit out of some country, saying, hey, it wasn't me.
But all of this still doesn't mean that I mind, as long as you leave me out of it, and everyone else who doesn't ask for their opinion, bombs, propaganda, etc. See, I don't mind if people tell me I'm an asshole, that's an opinion they're entitle to, and one I can easily live with. What I do mind is when they call me a Christian, because for a fact I'm not one. I don't want them killing people in my name.
BRAVO! Was that pun intended - "I don't want Christians killing in My name" ???
Sorry, SP fan, it's early, I don't get the pun (I guess that answers your question). Are you saying that I am god? Everyone with half a brain knows that Marco van Basten is God.
I think the pun was:
Is it only Christians You don't want killing in Your Name, as in Catholics and however many denominations of Protestants exist.
Or were you being more Universal, as in YOU don't want anyone killing in Your Name, whether Christian, Jew, Arab, Israeli, Muslim, Hindu or Atheist?
And specifically Americans of any color, race, religion or credo.
Ah... Now I see. Maybe what I should've said was I don't want Christians killing anyone in their name, as long as they include me among their ranks. And don't tell me that Christians aren't killing anyone, either. Telling people not to use condoms while AIDS ravages half the planet? Seems pretty straightforward to me.
But no, I don't want anyone to kill anyone in my name or anyone else's. And that includes animals. Don't get me wrong, I'm no softy. If there are indigenous people relying on hunting for their existence, who am I, rich Western consumer me, to tell them what and not to do? And if they hit any illegal treeloggers by mistake, well, what were they doing there in the last place?
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