I'd like to tear the flesh off your bones...

Not my own sentiment, of course (unless you are you-know-who-you-are). We went to the Raptor Foundation yesterday. The birds are beautiful, but like they say - flying is wasted on them. Apparently, THEY SEE IT AS A CHORE.

How do they know that, though? Seeing a kestrel hovering in the air, then swooping down, I can't help but believe that it's having a good time. Am I anthropomorphising? And if birds think that humans are stupid for wanting to fly, which is really more bother than it's worth, are they ornimorphising?

My favorites were the vultures. Did you know that they have a stomach pH of 1.0 to 1.5. For comparison, yours (I am assuming you're human here) is around 3.0. That means that a vulture's stomach is 100 times more acidic! That's to kill the maggots in rotting flesh, apparently.

Oh, I hope you weren't eating your dinner.

Meet me in the top percentile...

My brain is perfectly balanced

There is a really cool test that shows you whether you are left or right-brained, and whether you are predominantly an auditory or a visual type of person. It's called brain.exe and you'll find it all over the web. If you don't have a PC, like me, the test is also online. You don't get the nice picture of the brain with the center of your being this way, but I'm sure you can mock something together. Here is mine:



And here is what it says about me (there's more but these are the juicy bits)...

Mark, you are one of those rare individuals who are perfectly "balanced" in both your hemispheric tendencies and your sensory learning preferences. (Didn't I know it?)

However, there is both good news and bad news. (There just had to be, hadn't there?)

You may have a problem with organization. You might organize your time and/or space only to feel the need to reorganize five to ten weeks later. (So that's where that comes from...)

On the positive side, you bring resources to problem-solving that others may not have. You can perceive the "big picture" (as well as the "big sound" I presume) and the essential details simultaneously and maintain the cognitive perspective required. You possess sufficient verbal skills (merely sufficient?) to translate your intuition into a form which can be understood by others while still being able to access ideas and concepts which do not lend themselves to language. (Yes, I'd like to tell you about those, but how?)

Your balanced nature might lead you to second-guess yourself in artistic endeavors, losing some of the fluidity, spontaneity and creativity that otherwise would be yours. (How do you second-guess yourself? I knew I was going to chose the peanut butter sandwich, I just knew it!)

With your balanced sensory styles, you process data alternately, at times visually and other times auditorially. (That's true! I tend to process pictures visually, and music auditorially, although music is a bad example, as I am a little synesthetic, in that I sometimes hear colors - I don't actually know whether that's true, but it makes me sound interesting.)

Your greatest benefit is that you can succeed in multiple fields due to the great plasticity and flexibility you possess. (I guess that is meant in a figurative sense, otherwise it's all wrong)

Thomas Jefferson is my hero

I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature... Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burned, tortured, fined and imprisoned. What has been the effect of this coercion? To make half the world fools and half hypocrites; to support roguery and error all over the world.

Thomas Jefferson, Notes on Virginia

My political compass...

In September, 2003, I took a bearing on my political compass. Basically, this asks you a bunch of multiple-choice questions, and then tells you where you stand on two dimensions:

1. economic left versus right
   
2. social libertarian versus authoritarian
   

I thought it'd be fun to see if in the intervening time my position has changed.

My scores then (out of -10 to +10)
Economic: -8.25
Social: -7.54

My scores now:
Economic: -8.25
Social: -8.56

So as far as economics go, I'm still as much of a lefty as ever, and I have become even more socially libertarian.

Here's a chart that shows the position of some famous world leaders:

Not much of a surprise, I am a rational anarchist, so I am about in the right spot. As you see, as far as I'm concerned, Nelson Mandela is a dangerous authoritarian, while the Dalai Lama is a right-wing extremist.

The site also provides you with a reading list on the basis of your score. Check it out and tell me what you find.

British blasphemy laws

I learned today that Britain actually has a blasphemy law. It is a law that is mainly based on court cases. In 1977, a judge said that blasphemous libel was committed if a publication about God, Christ, the Christian religion or the Bible used words which were scurrilous, abusive or offensive, which vilified Christianity and might lead to a breach of the peace. But it is a bit of an anachronism, in that it only covers the Church of England. You would, for instance, be allowed to compare the pope to a donkey, but not Jesus, unless you were talking about him in his capacity as a prophet in the muslim faith, I guess. Then again, the House of Lords, in 2001, said that any prosecution under the laws would fail, because they clash with the, overriding, rights to free speech as enshrined in the European laws on Human Rights.
And now the government want to introduce a new law - incitement to religious hatred. Problem is that the definition is so sweeping, that it could cover anything. Not to fear, said the government, it won't be used that way. Say what? Time and again it amazes me how British politicians mix up the distinction between the legislative, the executive and the judiciary. When anti-terror laws were proposed, the home secretary, without giving it a second thought, said that he should say who should be confined, and that the only failsafe in the system was that a panel of judges could review the case in secret. Then when the judges overruled his decision, he said that he didn't agree with them and appealed!
So we are meant to feel safe that the full power of the legislation won't be used. What are we, stupid? Name me one law in history that was not (mis)used to its full potential sooner or later. A law should only be as powerful as it needs to be. That curtails the possibility of it being misused. If the legislative proposes a sledgehammer to crack a nut (as Rowan Atkinson said today), you have to ask yourself, and the legislative branch, why they are proposing a sledgehammer. "It will do the job" is not a sufficient answer. It's like peeling potatoes with a shotgun. No wait, if I aim very carefully, I can peel off the skin, and the heat from the blast will give them a nice crisp taste to boot.
So what's next? Oh yes, of course... ID cards, of course not compulsory. Look, a non-compulsory ID card is like a guide dog without a blind person: utterly pointless. Then again, I don't know what the point of ID cards is supposed to be, as no one has ever told us. Or at least given us any reason that rang true. Oh, I know what they're really for, don't get me wrong. And then there's limitations to trial by a jury of peers. Citizen classes in school are already in place, of course.
So tell me honestly... Am I being paranoid? Or it just that the docile masses are so drugged by television and supermarket food that anyone who takes a blind bit of notice appears that way? Hello... HELLO?!

Film review - Man Bites Dog (C'est arrivé près de chez vous)

Rating: 9/10
Summary: A work of evil genius

Your reaction to this film, I can promise you, will be one of two:
1. I find it completely unwatchable
2. It is darkly-funniest movie ever made

Another promise I can make without hesitation is that you won't be able to watch this movie without cringing. This film makes Reservoir Dogs look like Bambi. Sure, there are more cringeworthy movies (Audition, Ai No Corrida), but these set out to merely shock, not entertain. And Man Bites Dog almost dares you not to laugh. In this way, it is very much like a Bill Hicks sketch: take an uncomfortable premise like abortion (or, in the film, rape, robbery and murder) and see if you can get the audience to laugh at it, then turn up the violence a notch, and make you feel uncomfortable and guilty for having laughed in the first place. The story is of a low-ranking, no-good-for-anyone, semi-intelligent self-taught philosopher, whom we join somewhere along his killing spree. We, the viewers, do this by looking through the lens of a camera crew, who are following the killer's every move. The killer has a dubious moral conscious: he sees himself as a modern-day Robin Hood, except that his justifications for his acts ring hollow and arbitrary, and he is not exactly kind to those to whom he redistributes his ill-gain wealth (which, hilariously, includes the film crew, who have run out of money to buy more film stock; the killer thus becomes the financier of the movie). As the film crew become more and more involved, they intricate themself, and you start asking yourself how it is that this movie is ever going to be released (which it must have been, since we are watching it). It draws on the same kind of paranoia as, say, Dostoevky or Kafka. As the whole project comes off the rails, we witness a brutal rape scene, and even I found myself thinking - was this really necessary? Then I realize that I have been caught out by the film: I am editorializing, and have become the fourth member of the film crew, thereby giving up any last semblance of distance from the events, and becoming more than a voyeur - a participant in the acts the film portrays. And herein lies the film's true genius: it is exactly what it is, nothing more, nothing less. It looks shaky and grainy, because it was made by a bunch of film students with no money. The sound is crappy because of the same reason. You feel you are following a murderer, because you are (oh, no, of course not, he is an actor, I have to keep reminding myself). In a way, it is reminiscent of the Blair With Project, but whereas there was no point to that film, there is to this one. Namely, it questions our voyeuristic nature, in the process blurring the boundaries between fact and fiction, good and bad, complicity and responsibility, and does this by getting under your skin, reaming some gashes, and then dare you not to pick at the scabs.

Film review: Amsterdamned

Rating: 0/10
Summary: Worst movie ever, turned into hilarious comedy by the English dub-job

I am actually on one of the takes of this movie, the bit where the speedboat launches off the half-submerged house boat. If that take had ended up in the finished product, I might have given this film two stars.
So, what's wrong with it? Well, the film might have many redeeming features (any film featuring Turkish Delight's Monique vd Ven can't be all bad), and to be sure, some of the camerawork hovering over the Amsterdam canals (although some of these were shot in Utrecht) is very atmospheric, but all is undone by the deus ex vacuum ending.
The story, or maybe I should say premise, is that there is a killer lurking in the Amsterdam (see caveat above) canals. Eric Visser (the name is a pun: it means fisherman) is the police detective charged with finding him, or her, or it (we can't tell, since the killer wears full scuba gear). The film goes throug all the usual twists and turns, in order to make you first think and then doubt that X, Y or Z is the killer. But, huge spoiler and even bigger undoing, guess what? The killer, when he is finally unmasked, is someone who wasn't ever in the movie. Haha, had you fooled! It's like a Scooby Doo episode where they tear off the face mask, to find it out it was you. And you had no recollection of featuring in a Scooby Doo episode.
I had seen the film in the original Dutch version, anxiously looking if I was in it, and when I lived in the States I convinced some of my friends to rent this movie. I kept a straight face when I told them just how good it was. I guess it was my way of vindicating myself for having had to sit through this movie in the first place. What made the film even worse, was that they used the original cast, some of whom had obviously never spoken a word of English before, and were obviously reading off phonetic cue cards, for the dub, except, wait for it, a young boy, whose English must've been really bad considering the other performances that were left in. HE was dubbed by an English actor with a very deep gravelly voice. Just imagine it: here are all these people, talking in broken English or worse, and then in the middle of this appears this young boy, speaking with a posh English accent, in the voice of an overweight cigar-smoking 40-something...
Oh, and the title must be the worst pun in the name of a movie ever. To paraphrase the title track - I'll be damned damned damned before I ever again watch Amsterdamned.

Film review: New Port South

Score: 3/10
Summary: high school rebellion movie with more loose ends than an Abba jacket.

I got this DVD from a (now ex-)friend of mine who frequently raids the ex-rental bin at Blockbuster. It will shortly turn up in Oxfam, so be warned. About five minutes in, and I saw where this was heading. Bunch of highschool kids get annoyed by the school's administration and thoughts of rebellion start fomenting. I said to my girlfriend: if it gets below a 5 on imdb, I'll go and read a book. It got 5.0, so she persuaded me to go on watching. What are the good things? Well, it is a good thing this film does not have a story, because you would surely be distracted from it by the editing. It's like the student's drawing that was torn up by one of the teachers, all the footage for this film was cut up in a freak accident involving a meatgrinder, and left half the stock destroyed, with the other half spliced into two-second bits. Even in a ten-second scene of the local tv news, there are about six cuts and three different angles. And then there are the montages. These are all set to electronic music, which forewarns you of yet another montage, so that like Pavlov's dog you start cringing every time you hear it, which is about every three minutes.
Oh, I was supposed to say what's good about this film. Well, the film was shot very well, with a nice color palette, that nicely matched the emotional content - such as there was - of the scenes. Okay, now with the film's major flaw, and it wasn't the story, or lack thereof. The director made that fatal mistake of leading you astray about people and situations, not by clever storytelling, but by being highly selective about what to show about the main characters. That's just cheating. I guess he did it in order to make the central character more likeable. But it just became plain annoying. If the story is full of holes, it's no good trying to patch it up by misdirecting the viewer. And often there wasn't even any point to it.
And then the ending. Basically, the main villain of the peace turns out be an okay guy, if a coward. Plus it turns what seemed to be the whole point of the movie, that you should stand up for a just cause on its head, by the already mentioned misdirection, and makes it into a point about the nature of revolutions, that was already made, and much better, by Animal Farm. It also committed what I call the Bill Cosby sin: no matter how things may seem at first, in the end parents are always right, and children always wrong. And let's face it: unless you're me, that's just not true.

Top 10 best tracks ever (IMGO)

1. Alone from the album "Hand It Over" by Dinosaur Jr
   
2. Digital Bath from the album "White Pony [Bonus Track]" by Deftones
   
3. Lucky from the album "OK Computer" by Radiohead
   
4. In a Jar from the album "You're Living All Over Me" by Dinosaur Jr
   
5. Sober from the album "Undertow" by Tool
   
6. To Defy The Laws Of Tradition from the album "Frizzle Fry" by Primus
   
7. Jimmy from the album "Ænima" by Tool
   
8. Sugar from the album "Burning Dorothy" by Thea Gilmore
   
9. Troubled Times from the album "Sweet Oblivion" by Screaming Trees
   
10. God Says No from the album "God Says No" by Monster Magnet
    

Church signs (part 2)

Well, where do I start on this one...? Apart from the fact that Christians obviously can't spell. Let's just dissect this sentence. As far as I read it, it means: The beauty of Christianity is that they take by force what is not theirs, and the way they do this is by excusing others' (ie non-Christians') mistakes. To paraphrase Colonel Kurtz: The arrogance, the arrogance!
Such tolerance, as well! You might not realize it, they say, but by virtue of the fact that you are not a Christian, you are making a mistake, or worse: causing an offense (to god, I presume). But don't worry, we forgiv you... Say what? I don't recall asking you for forgiveness. The price you have to pay for that forgivness (that you didn't ask for in the first place) is that we'll take whatever you possess that we want for ourselves. Including, but not limited to, your life, your land, your earthly possessions, and hey, why stop there, your immortal soul, even if you don't believe you have one (which crass display of heresy we will forgiv you in the bargain).
Well, hey, thanks, I feel so much better already. Anything else you want?
And as far as doling out forgiveness, I never thought that was Christianity's trump card anyway. Bill Hicks has a nice sketch about this: He came out of this club where he'd just done a gig, and these people came up to him. "Hey, buddy, we're Christians, and we don't like what you said." "Well, then forgive me."
Did they? Like hell they did.

George Bush is... (part 2)

It sounds like the second line is: Out of this bleeds Tony Blair.
Quite funny actually, but my iMac is obviously taking artistic license, it should read: Out of which creeps Tony Blair.
But you can go with either one, it's fine by me...

George Bush is...

I wrote this little song for my best friend George Bush...


Guitar: Me
Bass: Me
Drums: Me
Voice: iMac

Rock on, baby!

I have been trying to set this as background music for MSIE users, but no luck so far...

Guitar: Me
Bass: Me
Drums: GarageBand

Ten reasons why I'm better than you

Matty gave his ten reasons why he is better than me (not me, specifically, of course). Well, here are my ten reasons why I am better than you (not you, Matty, I am talking in general):

10. I have broken into my car with nothing but a plastic strap (well, it wasn't really my car, I was borrowing it, and I mean that uneuphemistically)
9. I have slept curled up inside a pillowcase while sleepwalking
8. I have slept through a 5.5 earthquake
7. I have marched into the dressing room of the the national ice hockey champions to ask for a box for my friend to put her broken leg on
6. I have climbed up Half Dome without gloves (not out of bravery but out of stupidity and shortsightedness)
5. I have interviewed the town madwoman and come away with my life
4. I have gone shopping while Israeli security forces were frogmarching me to the airplane.
3. I have flipped 40 plus beermats
2. I have danced the cancan on stage in front of screaming undergrads dressed in nothing but a sock and balloons
1. I have sidestepped myself in a mirror

Chase the birdies

Arte del'espresso

Open letter to Mark Shainblum (see previous post)

Hi Mark,

I am very angry with you (fakes anger). Apart from stealing my name, you have stolen my invention, the "Comiculum Vitae", and I don't care that you came up with it before me. Joking aside, I thought your Comiculum was great. Have you had any success with it? I just sent mine off, so fingers crossed.

Seriously, though, we're leading parallel lives. Like you, I'm into comics (if only recently), have penned a sci-fi novel (currently being rewritten), and have been an editor. I am even sometimes mistaken for a Canadian. Okay, so there the comparison stops. I wasn't married in Vegas, for instance.

Oh, I'm writing this also as an open letter on my weblog as well (like you I am a shameless selfpublicist), so if you reply, let me know if it's okay to put your answer on the blog.

Greetings and salutations,

Mark

PS: Did you know that Comiculum was also the name of a Roman town, since disbanded?

Comiculum Vitae (part 2)

I just did a quick google, and guess what? The term comiculum is not my (original) invention. Besides having been a Roman city (since discarded), this Canadian guy called has a Comiculum Vitae, and it's soooo much better than mine, but then again he had it illustrated by a professional, so that's cheating (plus it's not all handcrafted, but that's just me bitterly bitching) .

Comiculum Vitae (part 1)

Well, I just sent off the first four applications with my new comiculum vitae. So far, feedback from people online has been uniformly positive. I'll let you know what prospective employers think, once they recover from their initial shock slash laughter. If it works well, I could always turn them into a business - so if you want me to handcraft (rulers are only used in the penciling stage, not the inking stage) you a comiculum vitae (I haven't decided on a US-English pun yet) just let me know. All's I need is a bunch of pictures. Any takers? My own one took me five days (not full-time, of course): day one for script and panel layout, day two for page 1 pencil, day three for page 2 pencil, day four for page 1 inking, and finally day five for page 2 inking. I am still using technical pens, which are easy to use, but they're not really black, more dark grey. So next I'll be practising with nibs and ink, or if that doesn't work out, I'll have to dust off my old Rotrings and get some refillable cartridges.

These pictures by-the-way constitute my first attempt to draw with a brush - they're just absentminded doodles I did in ten seconds to get rid of the ink in my brush, and they came out amazingly well, IMGO.

Zero religiosity (part 5)

This time the delay was not due to the clergy but to stupid me. I had given them the wrong church. But hey, in my defense, I was only a couple of months old when I was baptized, so those memories won't probably come fully back until I'm a bit older. But in one respect I was right: the church I showed on part 4 was far too humble to have served as the place of baptism for such an important person as I am (to myself). This is the right one...

Anyway, the very helpful pastor is now looking in (hopefully) the right place. From this I gather that once he finds the records, I will be stricken from them... Here's hoping.

Resume (part 2)

Resume (part 1)

Monkey talk

A walk in the woods...

Zero religiosity (part 4)

On May 12, I sent an email to God, via one of his earthly disciples, but he must be working through a backlog, or maybe Nietzsche was right, because I still haven't heard. But a friend of mine (thanks Frank) told me that he had deregistered by contacting the church where he was baptized. In my case, that's...



Yes, I know, you'd expect something grander for a person of my caliber, but like I said, I didn't have much choice in the matter. Anyhoo, I wrote an email to the pastor, so now I am bating my breath. I'll let y'all know what happens...

Dual nationality (part 2)

Almost forgot... While I was away being blown off hilltops in the Yorkshire Dales (forgetting that I had vowed never to trust the BBC weather website ever again), the response to my email enquiry to the Dutch ministry of justice came in. (Yeah, I'd almost forgotten about it, too, that was almost three weeks before. By the way, this picture is off the Yorkshire Dales website - the weather I faced wasn't quite as nice, unless you work for the BBC weather service. If you want an idea of what I faced, just take a long hot shower with the extractor switched off, then switch off the hot water.)



Seems like there are only three ways to hang on to my Dutch passport while swearing allegiance to the Queen and her successors:
1. I was born in the UK, so that's a no.
2. I lived in the UK for at least five continuous years before I became an adult. Mmmh, my girlfriend says I'm still a child, so that's a possibility, at least. Then again, they'd likely rule that out on legal grounds.
3. I am married with a UK citizen. To my credit, I kept a straight face when I suggested this to my girlfriend, but even so she said no (or words to that effect).

So I guess the plan is off, and someone else will have to become the first Green MP. Come to think of it, my grandad blew to pieces clearing up German landmines after WW2, so why should I now want to swear allegiance to a German? At least 'Trix, the Dutch queen, is only half-German. (When I was new to this country, someone came up to me and asked, "How's Trix?" I was impressed with his familiarity with Dutch royal matters, and so I answered - "She's fine, thanks." Only on reflection did I realize what he'd really meant, but I kept using this answer, as everyone thought it was hilarious. Yes, I know: English people are weird...

...

What the hell was I thinking wanting to become one of them?)

New technology will save the environment...

Yeah right. Yesterday road congestion was the topic of a (BBC) Radio Five phone-in. One guy called in and said that the environment would be alright, because in ten or twenty years' time everyone would be driving hydrogen-fueled cars. And the only emission from hydrogen cells is water vapor. Well, if that's the average intelligence of the car driver then we are royally or presidentially (take your pick) fucked. Reminds me of that cartoon where a professor has chalked a long equation on a blackboard...



Yeah, and where does this miracle hydrogen come from, you dumbo? You can't just drive up to the sun and stick a fuel hose into it. Guess what hydrogen is made from? That's right! Water... And in order to get the energy out that fuels your car that lets you drive a mile up the road to drop your kids off to school because you're too lazy to walk, guess what? You will have to first put it in. Technically speaking, if you want to have an exothermic reaction, you will first need an endothermic one. Simply put, you can't get out what you don't first put in. Like that time you stuck your head up your behind.
And guess where that energy comes from to make hydrogen? No, not the fairies, guess again. Renewable? Mmmh, unlikely at the moment. Nuclear? Possibly... Fossil fuels? Far more likely. And because we have an additional step, we probably lose some efficiency, so final guess what? We end up with more emissions, not less.
Time to ask for your school fees back.